I don’t always shower. I’m busy. I think I used to shower all the time. Although those pre-toddler days are a little bit foggy to me now. I seem to vaguely recollect a glimmer of daily showers. But now, I have things to do. I absolutely refuse to waste the precious seconds of her naptime in the shower. If I get a workout in, then I’ll jump in for five and hose off. So, this is my survival guide. And by “survival guide” I mean it’s so that the people around me don’t die from my mommy stench.

If you’re grossed out right now, you are not a parent and should probably just forget you stumbled on this article. Or you can keep reading to understand why your friends with kids don’t smell as fresh as they used to. Then send them a loving email saying how much you admire their daily struggles and triumphs with this as an attachment. Who knows, maybe they’ll get the hint.

Here are the four “B’s” and why you must have them.

Baby wipes are your best friend. Keep them around even after they’re all potty trained. Use them wherever needed. If I need to explain things more clearly, use them under arms, on feet, behind your neck, ears and wherever your swimsuit covers. Fresh!

Baking soda is great for your fridge, your freezer, and yes, your funk! Pour that stuff in your shoes, and as my mother says, “Wherever it stinks.” You can’t beat that kind of motherly wisdom.

Baby powder is awesome for your greasy hair. It’s basically cornstarch that smells pretty, so pull that out of your pantry if you’re fresh out of baby powder. The trick is, if you have dark hair like I do, to brush it through, but not too much. Start off with a little sprinkle, brush it through and add more as needed. It’s easier to add than take away with this. But it will buy you time before that next shampoo.

Baby oil is necessary for makeup removal. If you are going to go without showering, you need to stay on top of the face and teeth hygiene. This is crucial. Make sure you take off your eye make-up at night to decrease the funk buildup. I’ve known people that use it as a night moisturizer as well. Just be sensitive to any allergies you may have and keep it out of your eyes. Petroleum jelly is another great one for this.

Those are the basics. A couple other camping tricks I’ve applied to motherhood:

1. You can do a two minute wash down with a soaped up “scrungie” and the water facet going in the tub. You can accomplish this even with chaos going on around you.

2. Shower with the kids. Not sure how everyone feels about this, but I have a two year old daughter and right now she’s more fascinated with the falling water than mommy’s body. Very cool. I’m not worried about traumatizing her whilst getting clean. Also, she gets a little wash down when I’m finished. Everybody wins!

3. Perfume hides a multitude of sins. If you don’t like perfume, boil lemon water, let it cool, and rub down!

4. Deodorant. Period. I hate anti-perspirant because I always feel like it’s going to give me some kind of crazy cancer or something…but I’m nuts like that.

5. Lipstick. It always gives the impression like you tried.

Pigtails are the greatest solution to hair you just can’t bother with. My husband thinks they’re the sexiest things ever, and my short hair can manage the style. If your hair is too short to hide the funk and you’re not feeling the baby powder trick, try a bandana.

When you’re husband asks why you have a rag on your head, snottily tell him it’s “bohemian chic” and walk away like you know what you’re talking about.

Then jump in the shower and realize, it’s time.